


Keeping Grounded

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic, Support, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 17:16:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14501763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: “So what, every once in a while you need someone to help talk you through a moment.”“It’s…” Embarrassing, he wanted to finish.





	Keeping Grounded

** 5 Things You Can See **

He wasn’t sure what had bothered him, but something about the case was filling him a sense of unease. Hotch could feel his team’s eyes following his every move, the attention was stifling. He tugged on the knot of his tie again, wishing he could just pull it off and get rid of the strangling feeling. Collecting a file on one of their suspects, he walked the room, pacing back and forth as he reviewed the information. It wasn’t until Reid was walking with him, chattering on about some random type of bird that was local to the area, that he started to suspect the others were sensing his unease. Reid wasn’t exactly known for being the first to pick up on body language, but he was the one most likely to hover until someone gave in.

Dropping the file onto the table, Hotch turned and gave Reid his full attention, the action halting the younger man’s speech.

“I- I…” Reid is suddenly unsure about the best course of action or if he’s really the right man for the job. “Let’s take a walk?”

Hotch tugged at his tie again as he felt the walls close in a bit more. “Sure.” The single word sounded strained and thin.

Neither spoke until they were outside and then it was Reid who made the odd request. “Name five things you can see.”

“What?” It was an odd request.

“You… you were exhibiting signs of…” Reid looked everywhere but his boss. “Ever since… You’ve been…”

“Reid, just spit it out.” Hotch ordered, trying to keep any sharpness out of his voice.

“You show classic signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” He spoke quickly. “You’ve started having small panic attacks, but they’re starting to get worse in how they affect you as well as starting to occur more frequently.”

Hotch was stunned and looked around, taking even breaths. “A bench.” He made sure to make his breathing slow down as his eyes latched onto something. “A white picket fence, A black BMW…” He could feel the buzzing feeling in his mind ease up. “A hedge of roses roughly three feet high and six feet long.” They were trained to focus on details. “Six steps up to the building with chipped red paint on them.” When he saw Reid smirk to himself, he gave him a questioning look.

“Overachiever.”

He looked around and realized that everything felt more normal now. It was as if all the stuff around him had somehow shrank back down to the size it was meant to be without him even realizing it’d grown. “I- I didn’t realize… I’m sorry.”

Reid stayed close until Hotch finally began to move back toward the building. “Uh, Hotch?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s not something you need to hide. Especially from us.”

** 4 Things You Can Feel **

It was that horrific moment when he’d been sitting in his office and Jessica had called. That moment, halfway through listening to Rossi recount a story of meeting some woman in a bar the past weekend, when his cell phone rang.

“Hey, Jessica, what’s up?”

“Jack isn’t at the school.”

Dave watched as his friend stopped breathing, the color drained from his face. “Aaron?”

“What do you mean he’s not there?”

“I went in when he didn’t come outside, and they don’t know where he went. They doubt he got onto a school bus because the drivers usually catch any extra kids getting on.”

He wasn’t listening anymore, his phone hovering just away from his ear. He sensed more than felt when someone pulled it free from his hand and spoke into it.

Dave talked to Jessica, gave her instructions to stay at the school until one of the team arrived. Glancing at Hotch, he stepped out of the office and called the rest of the team up, telling them to fetch Garcia as well. He turned back to the man behind the desk. “Aaron?” Hotch didn’t even flinch, so he moved closer to grip his shoulders. “Aaron, come on.” He looked around, spotting the bottom desk drawer, the one Garcia insisted they all had. Yanking it open, he spotted some unpleasantly bright orange and yellow striped furry ball and grabbed it, shoving it into Aaron’s hands. “Aaron, focus on this.” He gripped his hands around it. “Come on. Do you feel this?”

Hotch blinked slowly before slowly staring down at the odd creature. “I have to find Jack.”

“We’re on it, I’m going to go talk to the others now. I need you to look around. Here.” He lifted one of Aaron’s hands and place it on the desk. “Focus on how it feels. Tell me.”

He was confused but complied. “The desk is hard, smooth…cold.” He glanced at the creature in his lap. “Herbert is soft… furry.”

“Herbert?”

Aaron nodded.

“Now find something else. Focus on feeling. Your chair, the windows, something. I’m going to send Morgan to the school and I’m going to have Garcia start going through cameras. We’ll find him.”

** 3 Things You Can Hear **

They’d been chasing three unsubs through the woods. The three men had split up at a creek, the first, and suspected leader, jumped the water and carried on and Hotch followed, allowing the others to split off after the other two. He figured someone was right behind him since they had all come out in the field. Hotch didn’t land as smoothly as their guy had, landing hard on one knee before lurching up and running. Weaving in and out, over limbs and around brush until he couldn’t see him anymore. Freezing, Aaron turned slowly, his senses told him the guy wasn’t far off. He slowed his breathing and simply observed. A moment later, a heavy weight forced him to the ground as their unsub began beating him, knocking his gun away. Doing his best to defend himself, Hotch fought back as they rolled around in the leaves and dirt.at some point his head smacked a tree trunk, he retaliated by launching the guy over onto his side, trying to shake the stars from his vision. The man was off the ground and back, throwing more hard punches aimed at Hotch’s head. Dazed, he rolled them once more, managing to get into a crouch before being slammed back down. This time, however, the unsub had pulled him knife, slicing Hotch’s back before rolling him over and sitting on him.

The cut slid in just below his vest and left Aaron breathless. Lifting his left hand quickly, Hotch pulled the trigger of his backup gun, killing him.  As the body slumped, Aaron tried to focus. He had no idea how far into the woods they’d gone or where the others were. He pressed button one on his com and waited.

“Good day, Sir! Did you get them?”

He gasped before he could speak, and he knew she’d heard it. “Garcia…”

“What’s wrong?” He could tell she was instantly shifting to panic. “You sound hurt, how are you hurt?”

“I…” Another gasp. “I’m not sure where I am out here. The unsub I was chasing is dead, the others went after the other two.” He panted. “They should be calling in.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, got it now what’s wrong!”

He tried to stand, groaning in pain before a wave of dizziness had him sinking back down. “He sliced my back.  We fought, and I took some blows. I’ll need help getting the guy out of the woods.”

“What else?”

Aaron hung his hand and silently cursed her skills of observation. “After he cut my back he pushed me over and…he stabbed me in the abdomen.” He looked down at his soaked shirt. “Under my vest. It’s bleeding a lot.” His vision seemed to tunnel then, and his breathing picked up. “Something…something’s wrong, Garcia.”

She was already typing messages to the rest of the team, sending GPS coordinates to other first responders in the area. “You’re okay, Aaron, stay focused.”

“Focused, yeah.” He gasped.

“Are you sitting down?”

“Yeah. I’m against a tree. It’s hot out here, I need to take off my vest.”

“No, Hotch, I’m not sure where the other two guys are, and you could be in danger.”

“Hot…” His voice faded out.

“Hotch?” Her voice caught. “Aaron?”

“’M here.” He shifted but it just made the wound bleed more. “It’s really bad.”

“There are people on their way, okay?”

“Okay.” There was another painful groan over the line. “It’s really bad.” He repeated. “He sat over me…and stabbed me…I had to kill him.”

She wasn’t sure, but he was starting to not make sense. “Aaron, I need to know what you can hear. Can you tell me?’

“Hear?”

“You’re outside, can you tell me what you hear? Are there birds?” She guided.

“Birds, yeah…. Leaves. The leaves are blowing in the wind.”

“Good. Anything else?”

“Umm… I don’t know.”

“Keep listening, I’m right here, okay?”

“Yeah.”

She switched to the incoming line, still listening to him. “Yeah, Morgan?”

“We’re headed his way with some paramedics. We didn’t know what sort of shape he’d bee in so it’s me and Rossi, the others are going back with the suspects and locals. It’s a long trek though, that GPS pin is over two miles from us. How’s he doing?”

“He says it’s bad. And if he’s saying it’s bad, then…”

“Yeah, Momma, I get it. Hotch downplays everything.”

“And he’s breathing hard, like, he’s gasping for air. He said the guy sat on him and stabbed him.”

“What’re you thinking?” He turned to face Rossi as they walked. “Think there’s something he’s not saying?”

“I think it pressed some buttons.” She could hear Hotch’s voice rambling on the other line. “It just feels…”

“You just keep talking to him, okay? We’ll be there in a bit. Keep him talking.”

“Sure.” She disconnected their link as Morgan frowned.

“Something’s off, we need to get there quick.”

** 2 Things You Can Smell **

It wasn’t like they actually talked about their childhoods, that wasn’t how thing were done. Not as a guy anyway. Sure, they all more or less knew and they all had rough bits to the stories, but it wasn’t ever something that was up for discussion. Hotch knew he’d shared just enough to lead the others to believe the monsters from his nightmares were dead, but that was a lie. The death had been of his step-father, a man who’d only been marginally better than his own father. His mother had taken _precious Sean_ and moved out, leaving Aaron to fend for himself until he was old enough to apply for emancipation.

What he hadn’t told any of them, not even Dave, was the monster in his nightmares was still very much alive.

Hotch had brought Morgan along for a seminar he was invited to present at. When it was possible, they did these thing in pairs partly because travelling alone was boring and, well, lonely, and partly because they often had to head straight to a case from such an even and case prep was easier with a partner.

They even randomly ‘dropped in’ on Dave’s book tour engagements because he tended to attract trouble.

It was the evening of their fourth day in Charleston and in an attempt to find some decent fresh seafood, Hotch was leading Morgan through the streets, grinning as he imparted everything he knew of the city’s history while the other man just grinned in amusement. As they had walked, an older man bumped into Hotch’s shoulder hard before carrying on, only to stop several paces later.

“Excuse me.” Hotch said politely, watching as the stranger stood for a moment without turning.

“There is no excuse for you, boy. There never was.” The stranger bit out, still not turning.

Morgan watched the exchange, confused, and started to grab for the man to make him face them, but something in Hotch’s eyes made him stop.

“Not like you would know.”

The man turned then, and Morgan felt like he’d seen the stranger before. “I know you couldn’t hack it as a lawyer, you quit. I know you couldn’t hack it keeping control of a woman.” He stepped back toward them now. “I bet you’re raising that boy of yours to be soft, he’ll never amount to anything either.”

“You don’t speak of my son.”

“Hn.” He scoffed. “Fine. I see you don’t give a damn, out here in the streets parading around with your little thug, I’m sure you two have some good nights together.”

Morgan opened his mouth to speak when he saw his friend wasn’t going to correct the man, but then stopped.

“We’ll be out of your city at the end of the week, you don’t have to worry about us dirtying up your reputation.” Derek couldn’t believe Hotch had said that to this man.

The man sneered then spit, the wad landing just short of Hotch’s shined shoes. “I told you before, go to hell.” With that, he turned and stormed away.

Morgan waited in silence, watching as Hotch’s hands curled and flexed, watched as the tension built in his shoulders and across his face, like storm clouds rolling in. When it seemed like enough time had passed, Derek asked. “You knew that guy?”

The muscles in his jaw flexed as he ground his teeth a moment. “All my life.”

They were still rooted to the spot. “Who’s he?’

“My father.” Moment broken, Aaron resumed stalking down the street. “Wait, what? You said he was dead?”

‘I said my mother’s husband was dead.”

“Wait…oh. Look, man.”

Stopping on his heel, Aaron whirled around, pinning Morgan with a glare.

At first, he shrank back and then Morgan realized it wasn’t anger in his eyes. They were wild, like an animal in a trap. “Hey, when was the last time you saw him?”

Aaron didn’t answer, just shook his head.

Ignoring the business of the street around them, he stepped closer, much closer than they usually allowed. “Hotch…” They were both silent until Derek realized he could hear the other man’s shallow, quick breaths. “Hotch.” He tried again, his voice lower but firmer. “Don’t think about him anymore. He’s part of your past, not your present and definitely not your future. I get it man, he’s in your head and you probably hear him a lot more than you admit.” Which was never, he mentally added. “But I need your help.”

The word seemed to get his attention, which was the point. “Help?”

Morgan nodded. “You’re the one who knows where this dinner joint is.”

He nodded but it was too quick, almost frantic. “Yeah.” He started to walk again.

“Smell that?”

“What?” He squinted around the street trying to work out which smell the younger man was referring to. “The barbeque?”

“No, not that.”

“Uh…” He thought a minute. “The salty air?” He focused on all the smells, separating and labeling them until they arrived. Pulling the restaurant door open, Aaron turned. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

** 1 Thing You Can Taste **

“Close your eyes and stick out your tongue.”

“What?” He found himself obeying even as he asked because it was JJ and Hotch trusted her as well as all his team to never do something to intentionally cause him harm or discomfort. Well, except Dave. He didn’t trust Dave. He found something cold and creamy being swiped on his tongue and reflexively savored and swallowed it. “Ice cream?”

She giggled, and he felt her sit on the table beside his paperwork. “The _flavor_ , Hotch.”

“Oh.” He thought a minute “Caramel and chocolate?”

“Close.” She was beaming when his eyes opened. “One of the locals had it in the freezer and made me a cone. “It’s Karamel Sutra.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Just as refreshing as the real thing.”

Her statement made him blush.

“Good?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s good.”

She leaned forward so whatever she was about to say next wouldn’t be heard and while Hotch trusted his team wholeheartedly to never cause him harm, embarrassment was never outside their scope. He could feel his blush amping up before she even spoke. “So, you’re a fan of Karamel Sutra then?”

Yep, he could feel it. Beet red from scalp down. “Sure.”

She sat back and smiled softly at him. When his head tipped as he observed her, she copied the move. “What?”

“Not that I don’t appreciate the distraction…”

“Ah. You were getting a bit jittery. Couldn’t put a finger on what set you off but…” She shrugged.

He dropped his pen to the table. “Does everybody…”

“Hotch.” She cut him off, leaning in again. “The panic attacks are sort of an open secret.”

His face fell.

“Hey.” She nudged him with her knee. “We all have something. Dogs still freak me out and make my hands shake.” She glanced at where his wee resting on the file “Spence has pretty violent nightmares… We all have something.” She shrugged. “So what, every once in a while you need someone to help talk you through a moment.”

“It’s…” Embarrassing, he wanted to finish.

Rolling her eyes, she held out the cone so he could lick it again. “Emily drags Spence home to watch weird movies, we go play video games with Rossi and knock down walls with Morgan. Emily likes a good pub crawl and flirt so long as Pen and I are there to keep her from actually going home with a guy and Pen…” She shook her head. “Shopping therapy that one. All the way.”

“And you?”

“Me?” She sighed. “Sparing with Morgan or shooting with Spence. Drinks or shopping with the girls.” Her gaze got soft. “And we’re all here for you too, you know.” She worked on more of her ice cream.

“I’m discovering that.”

“You have to be the most frustratingly stubborn person I know.” She lifted the cone again, about to lick it when it suddenly vanished from her hand. ‘Hey!” She yelped.

With a grin, Hotch took a big bite of the top and swallowed it.

JJ couldn’t help but grin at the grin on his face.

** Taking Control **

Surgery had taken too many hours, she had no idea how Penelope had been managing them all alone. By the time the blonde had called, Hotch had been rolled into the O.R. and Emily had rushed onto the first flight headed out of the country which had happened to have the added benefit of being a private flight. Perks of her position she supposed.

She hadn’t talked to them, but Penelope had told her the rest of the team was working a case and then she’d recounted in agonizing detail watching the man she held so high on a pedestal fall to the floor of the conference room.  The team worked long stressful hours and they hated being away while it was happening but theirs was not a job where they could just say please wait while we make sure one of our own doesn’t die compliments of a fucking ghost.

Emily could admit that perhaps she was a hair past peeved about the whole thing.

Entering the waiting room, somehow the flurry of colors and fabrics had known she was there because she was instantly swept into a tight embrace. “Pen, it’s good to see you too.” She gasped.

“Oh, I’m so glad you came how did you get here so fast?”

“Connections. On the downside, I didn’t pack so I’m going to have to shop at some point.” She nudged Garcia back to a seat. “What have you heard? Is he out of surgery?”

“Not yet.” She frowned. “He coded in the ambulance Rossi said and then they said he coded again in surgery.” A tear ran down her cheek.

“Hey.” She rubbed her back. “But they got him back.”

“But what if next time they can’t?”

Before Emily could answer, a tired looking doctor entered the room. “For Aaron Hotchner?”

The pair stood. “Yes?”

“Are you family?”

“Oh. The only family he has is his son, he’s eight.” Garcia replied. “We’re his friends.”

He nodded. “He’s in recovery now.” He detailed what had happened. “A nurse will come get you once he’s in a room.”

==

Emily paced. She’d been in this position before and she hated it. Aaron was in a hospital bad hooked up to more machines than she could identify and the had no idea what was going to happen next. Wandering back to the window, she stared outside until a groan told her Hotch was waking back up. Mindful of the greeting he’d received the last time, she quietly moved to the bed. “Hey, you.”

Dark brown eyes opened. “Emily.” He exhaled.

Her smile faltered. “Yeah, Penelope called me.”

His lips almost twitched in a smile. “How long?”

“You had just gone into surgery.”

He did smile then. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, none of that.” She shushed him. “I’m here now. The case is over now by the way, the team should be coming back soon from California.”

His brows pulled together. “They went to Texas.”

“Yeah, then they followed their guy to California.”

“Oh.” He tried to shift in the bed, gasping as his stitches pulled.

“Hey.” She tried to still him. “You’re going to split yourself back open, what do you need?”

“I wanted to sit up a bit.”

“I’ll raise the bed, you lay still.” He made a face, but she pointed at him in warning. “I will call Pen back in here if you don’t behave.”

Hotch didn’t respond but did stop moving. “Where did she go?”

“I sent her to eat.” She tilted her head at him. “Can you tell me what you remember?”

He closed his eyes. “I’ve been having pain in my gut for a while, it came on slowly and just hurt all the time. I can’t really pinpoint the exact day. Last night…was it last night? Is it still the same day?”

She checked her watch. “Only just.”

“The pain was worse and I kept getting lightheaded. I dozen off in my office and when I woke up I couldn’t breathe.” He paused to think. “I remember struggling to breathe and then the room went dark.” His breath caught. “I think someone shouted or something.” He sucked in another breath.

She watched as he seemed unable to catch his breath and flashbacks came to her as well. “Aaron, open your eyes.” She leapt up, gripping his hand. She wasn’t as afraid of what was going on this time. “Stay with me.” He shook his head erratically. “Come on, you need to focus on right now for me.”

He mumbled something, eyes cracking open just a bit. The mumbling continued as his breathing slowly evened out. When he seemed to calm, he looked up to see the worry on her face. “I see you, Emily.”

Confused, she gave him an asking look.

“Grounding, I can’t remember which of the others taught me, maybe all of them.” He squeezed her hand. “Thank you for coming.”


End file.
